I Crave you
by ManuKaikan
Summary: At the start of S3, Quinn is back to being the real Quinn, no more pink hair, but during this summer of madness, she faces her feelings and understands that love is more difficult than she'd thought, especially if the person she loves is standing still in front of a diverge and she doesn't know what to do.
1. Chapter 1

**Ship:** Quinn/Rachel.

**Rating:** NC-17.

**Summary:** At the start of S3, Quinn is back to being the real Quinn, no more pink hair, but during this summer of madness, she faces her feelings and understands that love is more difficult than she'd thought, especially if the person she loves is standing still in front of a diverge and she doesn't know what to do.

**Author's Note: **This FanFiction was born at the beginning of the third season, after a particularly vivid dream that I've done on Quinn and Rachel, which of course I couldn't ignore. Initially it was planned as a mini fanfiction up to 3 chapters, but then, given the great feedback it had in Italy, it has become a long of 11 chapters. I hope you like it the first chapter, because the next will be even more intense!

Thanks to all those who will follow this and let me know what they think about it!

A big kiss!

/

**Chapter 1**

She has to admit it, she's in love.

She gets up every morning with this awkward constant pain in her chest.

She gets dressed, chooses her shoes, accessories; all of this, whatever she does, she's thinking about her constantly.

She can't wait to get in the choir room, planning all the time what she's to say to her, the gestures, the smiles, even the looks she has to hold back.

She spends her mornings looking at her in the hallway.

She can't help it.

She's simply adorable, beautiful, innocent.

Rachel Berry can't look different than this in her eyes.

Quinn has never thought she'd get a real chance with Rachel, they're so different. She has spent years torturing her, giving her terrible nicknames. If she thinks about her now, these nicknames make her sick. She has realized in time that insults were unfounded, Rachel is just wonderful.

The summer before the start of her senior year has been interesting, and she has lived it in desperate search of herself. The first step has been cutting and dyeing her hair, enjoying a look that suits her more in her opinion. The blonde natural doll that was always ready to do the right thing was gone.

The second step has been changing her friendships: she loved Santana and Brittany, but she needed to change, to innovate, to grow. One hot and muggy evening, 'in a place with a questionable fame', she had met a motor-biker named Mark and then things had gone great.

With him she had explored worlds she didn't know, experience real life, experiences that, she has to admit it, she had enjoyed a lot and it was there that she had realized that a man couldn't give her anything that she couldn't find anywhere else.

The third step had been to accept the reality: that time away from nosy friends, overprotective mothers and expectations on her had given her so much to think about it.

She had discovered she didn't hate anything about Rachel Berry.

Rachel hadn't ruined my life, on the contrary, she had made it better and Quinn had realized that she is in love with her.

Obviously, it hadn't been easy to accept at first, indeed, it had been quite traumatic for her, but during a crazy night, in the madness of a moment and in a vague attempt to resist that hateful feeling, she found herself with a golden star tattooed on her stomach.

From that very moment, she had realized that there was no way out.

How could she deny such a thing even when in a state of unconsciousness, mainly due to alcohol, she had done nothing but thinking about her?

Then school had started and she was back in Lima, because even though it was at a particular stage of her life, she wasn't going to throw all of her future as an old rag.

As the days passed at McKinley, she gained more awareness of never being able to get closer to Rachel and slowly things had gone to hell, completely.

Shelby Corcoran had the bright idea to come back to Lima with Beth, the brilliant idea to make her part of her child's life, the bright idea to threaten her existence even more.

Right now, if she thinks about it, she realizes that she had acted crazy when it happened, but no one's had to go through the disastrous river she has been forced to swim into for great part of her adolescence.

Conscious of not being able to receive the love that she's craving for from Rachel, she had clung desperately to the strong link she felt with her little baby girl, believing that, once she had taken her back, everything that was wrong in her life would return to the right place.

_She realizes now how wrong she had been._

The object of all her desires herself has been capable to make her reasonable again, helping her to find that place in the world she has wanted so much. So she has gone back to being the 'normal' Quinn.

She has gone back to her blond hair and has begun to wear those flowering clothes that she has to admit, were greatly missed; she was back in Glee Club - this just because she wanted to have a chance to see her as much as possible -, her grades went high again and she had applied to get into Yale.

Things were going great, she was proud of how she had managed to recover from the quicksand that seemed to have swallowed her. A few weeks after her application, she could say with absolute joy of being accepted into the prestigious college, and this had given her hope to continue with that status of pure happiness.

She had hit rock bottom, but she had seemed to have found the right time to get back to the surface and she could said she felt feel happy, or at least in part; she missed one single thing in order to achieve absolute happiness.

But that's never going to happen.

/

It's a day like any other when Rachel enters the girls' bathroom and asks her advice. The first thing that Quinn has found herself thinking is that she's pregnant and her heart has skipped a beat at the thought; but what comes out of the girl's lips is an even bigger blow to be collected.

"Finn asked me to marry him."

"And what did you say?"

She has a tremendous fear of asking, but she _needs_ to know, she needs to hear it from her lips.

_God, tell me she hasn't said yes, please, please, please ..._

"I told him I needed to think about it."

"Well, … y-you can't."

The words are out before she can stop them.

She can't, she can't marry him, not now, not when Quinn is finding the strength to tell her about how she feels, not now ... she can't!

The pain she has felt when she has gotten out of the bathroom is almost equal to what she has felt when Rachel has asked all the girls for advice about having sex with Finn. She had been completely emptied at that, as if she had ripped the heart out of her chest and had thrown it to the ground and then stepped on it.

But what can she expect?

Finn is her boyfriend, they've been together for a long time now, sooner or later that would have happened anyway, but Quinn has so hoped that she'd be the one. She has dreamt so many times during the summer, when she woke up from those vivid dreams, as she felt like she could still feel the taste of her skin, the soft moans that came from her lips, Rachel's nails scratching her back ...

Her dream is never going to become true, now Quinn is aware of it and after the announcement that Finn has made at the Glee Club that afternoon, she has no doubt that she'd better forget Rachel forever.

/

"Have you told Finn yet?"

Rachel presses her small white paper against her breast and shakes her head slightly.

The first ... No, okay, the second person she had thought to tell about it has been him, and if she has to be honest, she hasn't even thought about telling Finn.

"So what is it that you're going to do now?" Kurt asks, raising an eyebrow.

Things are getting more complicated so visibly: only a few hours before she's thought she had nothing but her boyfriend, but now she can have it all, and at the same time she might stay stuck in Lima forever.

"You have to tell him." Kurt warns her, closing the locker. "He has the right to know."

"I know, Kurt, I know." Rachel replies. "But how-"

"I told you you should have waited a few more days." He reminds her, taking a few steps down the hallway. "It was totally impossible that you didn't get a letter."

"I screwed up." Rachel admits while a new weird weight crashes into her chest.

"Yes, you did." Kurt notices. "And now you have three options." He says, gesturing with his hands. "Finn can come and live with you in New York, but it's very unlikely of him; you could stay here with him, and the thought alone makes me whimper, or you should start considering the idea of a break-up ..."

"No way," Rachel says instinctively, putting a hand on Kurt's chest. "How can you think of such a thing, Kurt?"

Kurt stops his walk to watch her intensely.

"Rachel, I know you." He starts. "And I know the reason for which you have accepted his proposal and now you're holding your future between your fingers you know you haven't made the right choice." He continues with piercing blue eyes chained to Rachel's. "I know it, you know it, my parents know it, even Quinn tried to make you understand, but for Heaven's sake Berry, you're tough!" He says, patting his hand on her head.

_Quinn._

Her name's enough to remind Rachel what she has to do.

When she'd opened the letter, the first person she had thought was her; she needs to find her, she has to tell her the news, just as she has done a few weeks before in the school bathroom. She wants to see incredibly green and expressive eyes filled with pride in knowing that she has been successful, just as she had told her the year before in the auditorium.

'You don't belong here, Rachel.'

"It was an impulsive decision Rach and you know it very well." Kurt continues, walking through the door of the choir room.

Rachel sighs heavily and follows him quickly, before hiding the paper she still held in her hands in the pocket of the dress she's wearing. She doesn't want Finn to see it yet; she needs to think about it, to talk to someone, someone other than Kurt, someone who has always talked honestly to her and sometimes even brutality.

Someone ... Someone who's not in the room right now; someone Rachel doesn't manage to find for the rest of the afternoon.

It seems like she's disappeared.

/

Quinn puts her arm on her eyes again and tries to swallow the large knot that had formed in her throat when she had heard those words coming from Finn's lips. She still can't believe it; Rachel has accepted his proposal, tying the noose to her neck.

She had always thought Rachel was such a smart girl, a person that was willing to do anything to achieve her goals and, instead, Rachel has disappointed her.

Just like everyone else.

She takes a deep breath and tries to erase from her mind the embrace they had exchanged in the bathroom a few weeks before; she also tries stop feeling to smell of her skin still so vivid in her nostrils, the feeling of her thick, soft hair on her face.

"Damn," she curses among the silent walls surrounding her.

How is it possible that she can't stop thinking about her even for a second?

It's crazy, she really needs a little break, she can't take any more, and the situation is becoming unbearable.

But she's going to forget about her soon, she _has_ to. Rachel has decided to get married and she has to impose herself to take her out of her mind. Rachel is never going to feel anything for her, she loves Quinn, you could see it in her eyes that Rachel feels sort of an affection towards her, but she doesn't really _love her_ the way Quinn lover her.

"You can't do it, Rach." She murmurs slowly, squeezing her eyes shut.

She doesn't want to cry, she's not going to pay more tears for this excruciating feeling, but it's not so simple, she feels her eyes wetting she can't help but pass a hand on them to erase the tracks.

_She can't__marry him_, she finds herself thinking for the thousandth time today.

Finn isn't the right guy for her and although she doesn't want to be so self-centered to think that she's the love of Rachel's like, she just knows for sure that Finn isn't this person either. He's a good boy, no doubt about it, he has a big heart and loves Rachel, but she needs to fly.

She has to leave Lima, become famous, to fulfill her dream, to meet her idols, maybe even go out for dinner with them, to go back in Lima just for Christmas holidays or to greet old friends, before returning to her perfect life in the Big Apple.

She would have found an important man, one that would allow her to live like the princess she is and she can't say with absolute certainty that this prince is Finn Hudson.

She startles with fright when she hears the bell penetrate the haze of her brain and she can't do anything but sit at the edge of the bed.

Who could it be?

Her mom is out of town and she really doesn't need to use the bell; maybe it's Santana or Britt, maybe they're worried about not seeing her all afternoon. She gets up slowly and walks to the window to check, but from the point she's standing, she doesn't manage to see the mysterious visitor.

'If I ignore him, maybe he'll just go away.' Quinn thinks and she really doesn't want to see anyone right now.

When the bell rings again, she realizes that whoever it is, he's not going to give up easily; so after she has snorted loudly, she gives a quick glance to check that the make-up hasn't drooled too much along her face and goes downstairs.

Who she faces is the last person she'd expected to see, especially the last person she thought was even aware of her address.

"Rachel ..." Quinn mumbles, a little confused.

"Hello." Rachel replies simply. "Can I come in?"

Although she has asked for permission, the girl doesn't even let her talk, and takes a few steps inside the house, leaving her really confused. Quinn closes the door to her back and turns to face her, but Rachel is gone, and when she hears her footsteps in the living room, she has to take a deep breath before she can reach her.

She is going to need all her self-control not to do something she would regret bitterly. It's the first time ever that they find themselves alone in a room, a room where there're comfy couches, tables, soft beds ...

_You can do it, you're Quinn Fabray, don't let anyone push you with your back to the wall_. She says to herself as she enters the room. _'Just focu_ -'

Her brain stops in mid-sentence, when she sees Rachel sitting on her couch with her legs crossed, the skirt of the dress she is wearing that leaves uncovered her tanned skin, making her thighs look so long and delicious ...

Quinn clears her throat to make her notice her presence, before taking a seat on the couch cautiously, letting the coffee table act as a divider between them.

"You weren't there this afternoon." Rachel starts with a little too much bitterness in her voice.

Quinn frowns her eyebrows for a few seconds. "I had ... some things to do." She answers simply, keeping it vague.

"What kind of things?" Rachel asks.

"Some things."

"Well, they can't only be some-things, they must be some kind of things." Rachel points out.

"What?" Quinn asks, confused and upset, before deciding not to enter her psychology if she doesn't want to get stuck and trapped. "How did you know where I live?"

"Don't think you can change the subject like this, Quinn Fabray." She warns her.

"Same for you, don't think you can evade the question, Rachel Berry." She snaps back.

"Santana gave it to me." She answers quickly. "So what about these things that were so important that made you skip lessons and glee club?"

"I've already said it a long time ago, Rachel, my world doesn't revolve all around the Glee Club." She says with a little too much hatred, making Rachel startle in surprise.

When Quinn sees the pain in these chocolate brown spheres, she bites her lower lip, feeling guilty for having used that tone.

"I-I just had to say goodbye to my mom, who was leaving for the weekend, she had to leave me some recommendations." She explains more calmly as she begins to fiddle with her hands.

"I see ..." Rachel says softly. "I didn't mean to be so petulant." She confesses eventually. "It's just that I'm used to always see you sitting in the room during rehearsals, with your smile on your face, and I missed you."

At these words Quinn's heart misses a beat for a moment, making her lift her face suddenly to gaze at the girl standing in front of her.

Why does fate play with her heart like this? What has she done that it's so bad to make her deserve all this suffering? Hasn't she got already her plentiful share of trouble?

"Why are you here, Rachel?" Quinn asks in a weak voice, putting a hand over her own heart, believing that in this way she'll be able to curb the frenetic beats.

Rachel doesn't answer her; she grabs her bag that she has left resting on the arm of the couch and pulls out a white letter, sliding it gently on the table. Quinn glances at her and then at that blank sheet of paper, before bending over to pick it up.

"You're a finalist." She says finally with a sweet smile on her lips, looking at her intently. "Congratulations, Rachel, seriously."

But what she sees in her eyes is anything but happiness, there's torment, indecision and also a slight hint of pain.

"You don't seem very happy." Quinn remarks, raising an eyebrow. "Isn't it what you've always dreamed of?"

"You're wrong, I'm happy." Rachel answers, forcing a small smile. "And I haven't told Finn yet and I seriously need some advice."

"Dump him." The words come out of Quinn's mouth before she can stop them, but she doesn't regret it even for even a second.

Rachel's eyes widen in disbelief, as she's unable to really believe that Quinn could have even thought such a thing.

"It's not the kind of advice I was looking for, Quinn." She exclaims angrily. "It's the second time you suggest me that and I'm engaged to him, so I think you understand that it's not among the options."

Quinn shakes her fists and jaw, longing to strike Finn's nose with her knuckles. He has made her a brainwashing, that's not the ambitious Rachel she has always known, the one she has learned to love. What had happened?

She wants her back and she wants her now!

"If my advice is not okay to you, Rachel, then that's the door." She says angrily. "I didn't ask you to come here, you've done all by yourself, you've asked for advice and then you even dare to question what I say?" She asks rhetorically. "I think you've lost your way, where is the Rachel that would fight with teeth and nails for her dream?"

"Thinking to include Finn in all of this doesn't mean-"

"Bullshit," Quinn hushes, angrily, slamming the letter forcefully on the table and standing up abruptly. "You're just telling the version that you think will make you sleep at night sleep when you'll be anchored here in Lima with Finn working until late in Burt's shop to pay the bills and you'll be taking care of your children. You won't see your husband for more than three hours a day and when you'll see him, he'll be too tired to pay any attention to you and he'll fall asleep on the couch." She continues, bringing out all the anger that she's accumulated during these weeks. "You're just a hypocrite, Rachel." She ends with a loud voice, out of breath and flushed cheeks.

"How dare you!" Rachel jumps up suddenly, pointing to the face. "I'm a hypocrite? Talk to the girl who had concocted the perfect plan to recover her child, only because she didn't know what to do with her life anymore!"

These words hit the mark, causing Quinn to take a few steps.

"Yes, you're right, I'm a fail who has attempted the most desperate thing to gain some accomplishment, but at least I have the decency not to hide behind a fake relationship because I'm afraid of being alone!"

They stare at each other for a few more seconds, before Quinn lets herself fall back on the couch, putting her hands to her face and trying hard to stop the trembling of her body. She has done such a mess, she has left emotions win over her actions as it always happens to her. She wouldn't be surprised to see Rachel go out, slamming the door in one of her effect-outputs.

But that girl is gone a long time, that Rachel who was a misunderstood diva and did it to attract the attention is so far away in the past now. Quinn admits that she has always found her even incredibly adorable then, but she'd much prefer the woman who she has become or at least that she could have become, before the Finn cut her wings.

"I'm so sorry, Rach." She says finally, face hiding behind her fingers. "I shouldn't have said all those things, I lost control, I beg you to forgive me."

When she finally takes her hands away from her face, she finds herself face to face with the girl of her dreams. Rachel is sitting on the small coffee table instead of taking her purse and run away, and she's staring at Quinn with those eyes that always look like they're capable of reading inside.

"What's happening to you, Quinn?" Rachel asks softly, tilting her head to the side. "Where is all this poison coming out of?"

Quinn looks away and points her gaze on Rachel's hands who have started to brush her over the fabric of her jeans. "It's been a rough week." She says, hoping that this explanation can be enough. "I've yelled at you while you had nothing to do with it, I'm sorry."

"Don't insult my intelligence." Rachel warns. "I know you, I've always been good at reading you and I know that something is bothering you."

"Rachel, forget it, okay?" Quinn says, but when she sees that the girl isn't going to give up, she adds between her teeth. "I don't want to talk."

"Why don't you ever express your thoughts, Quinn?" Rachel says, dangerously close to cross the limit of patience. "I feel like I'm at the dentist when I talk with you, we're friends, friends share stuff. You've helped me a lot, I want to be able to give ba-"

"God, give me strength." Quinn mutters, making her shut up instantly. "Rachel my head aches, please." She says, standing up. "I gave you the advice you were looking for, I'm sorry that isn't what you wanted, but now I think you should go." She dismisses, walking to surpass her.

She doesn't even take a step that Rachel's small and delicate hand catches her wrist, preventing her from continuing. Quinn turns slowly and she is dazzled by these eyes and what she's able to read inside them.

"Why are you running from me?" Rachel asks in a low voice. "Why can't you stand being in the same room with me for too long?" She continues, nervously biting her lower lip, making it clear by the gesture that she actually already knows the answers to these questions.

That's the drop that breaks the jar, that's what gives Quinn the strength to do it. _It's now or never_, _catch it, you have nothing to lose anymore._

"I think you already know the answers to these questions." She whispers.

"Since when?" Rachel asks with a trembling voice.

"Unconsciously forever." Quinn mutters, looking away. "But I've come to terms with myself this summer."

"I don't ... I didn't know ... I've never imagined you ..." Rachel stammers incoherently.

"You don't have to say anything." Quinn reassures her. "Actually, I didn't say anything, so technically you're not even sure what we're talking about." She continues, trying to defuse.

But it's not enough to break the tension: an awkward silence envelops the living room and Quinn lets out a shaky breath. She has to take the situation in her hands, she has to nip that talk if she doesn't want things get out of hand for both.

"It'd be good for you to go n-"

She doesn't manage to finish the sentence, she finds herself being kissed fervently, Rachel's body pressed against hers, while Berry is clenching in her fingers the soft fabric of her shirt to draw her closer to her. Quinn feels a jolt run all over her body and her hands shift to reach for Rachel's hair, tightening around it to hold her.

The kiss is sweet, sensual and not at all rushed. Rachel takes her time to taste Quinn's lips, realizing how soft they are, gentle and good-tasting. Her mouth tastes like cherries to be accurate.

They kiss for what seems like hours, until the lack of air forces them to separate, causing Rachel to put her forehead against Quinn's, who still has her eyes closed and her hands deep into Rachel's hair.

"Open your eyes, Quinn." Rachel mutters finally, brushing her cheek with fingertips.

Quinn shakes her head slightly and drops her arms to her sides. She can't look at her, not now, not after the kiss; it would break her heart to see these chocolate eyes looking tremendously guilty eventually.

"Don't hide from me." She continues. "Open your eyes and look at me."

"Please don't do this, Rachel." Quinn says finally, her voice trembling with tears. "Don't play with my feelings like this." She begs her.

"I would never do that, now look at me."

Quinn opens her eyes and she's lost in this charming dark sea that has always been so full of life, expectations, dreams, love ...

"Why haven't you ever told me?" She asks.

"It wouldn't have mattered." Quinn answers simply.

"It would have been very important to me." Rachel disagrees, shaking her head. "Things would have been different, and-"

"It doesn't matter now." Quinn cuts her off with a wave of her hand. "You're engaged, and I know from experience that Rachel Berry takes her commitments seriously."

"Quinn-" She tries to say.

"You should go, Rachel." Quinn says coldly.

"No." Rachel replies promptly.

"Then I order you to." Quinn continues, eyes filled with fire.

"You can't be serious ..."

"Go away," She shouts, making her jump with fright. "I don't want you here, not after this." She continues, angry. "You're still the Finn's girlfriend and this certainly won't change for a kiss, then I beg you to leave." Then, without waiting for a further reply by the girl, Quinn climbs the stairs, headed to her room and collapses on the bed, hiding her face in her hands.

When she hears the entrance door clunk shut, she finally lets the tears come out.

/

Tears cloud her mind and she realizes that she can't see the road, so when she sees the traffic light turn green, she puts the first gear and looks for a place to stop to regain control of herself. She pulls to the side of the road, next to a church and that makes her cry harder.

What the hell is she doing?

She is completely confused, she has no idea where to turn, her life is going completely to hell. This is supposed to be her year, the one that would allow her to fulfill her dreams, but things are going in another direction.

She feels lost and alone.

She can't feel _anything_ to be honest.

She brings her hands to her face and the sobs begin to shake violently the body, while the weeping grows more and more intensely and heartbreaking. She has lost her way, everyone expects something from her and she doesn't know what to do.

Does she really want to marry Finn? And how is she going to tell him that she had already received the letter and that therefore there's a one-way ticket to New York waiting for her? What would her dads say about it?

And then there's Quinn ...

Quinn whom she's has just wounded, the same Quinn who has tortured her for many years, the Quinn whom she has seen change in these years, the Quinn who has to give up many things in her life, the Quinn has approached slowly and has carved a place in her heart, that same Quinn that loves her.

She hasn't told her in words, but Rachel has read it in her eyes, in her body language and in that kiss. She doesn't know why she has done it, but she has felt that it was right, like she had to do it and she had always wanted to taste those lips.

Yes, Rachel Berry has always been attracted to Quinn Fabray, probably from the first time she has seen her in the hallway, maybe it's one of the reasons that have always forced her to seek her friendship.

But the impulsive gesture has put her into trouble, now in addition to not knowing what to do with her future, she is also able to hurt a person she cares about. Her heart had broken when she'd heard her resigned voice, asking her not to play with her feelings. She isn't a girl who likes to play with the feelings of others.

_'And what about Finn's feelings then? You've always said that kissing another person is cheating, yet isn't it what you've done today? '_

Finn ... Her sweet and tender Finn, the boy she has always loved, the guy she has been able to win after a tough fight, and now that she can have forever, she doesn't know what to do.

Rachel loves him, feels the true feelings for him, but accepting his proposal might not have been the best thing to do. The words of her friends echo into her head.

_'You're too young!'_

_'He's going to stop you from fulfilling your dreams!'_

_'He's never going to come to New York!'_

_'You have to have to break up with him.'_

"What am I supposed to do?" She mutters.

The radio, which she had on when she ran away from the Fabray residence, gives her the answer she to the question she has whispered in the empty car.

_Te Amo, Te Amo, she says to me, I hear the pain in her voice._

She almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, thinking that someone must be angry with her, or simply the universe is trying to tell her something. She places her hands against the steering wheel and drops her head, tears that scroll quickly on her tanned face.

_Te amo, Te amo, she's scared to breathe._

"Why, Quinn? Why didn't you tell me?" She cries out of breath. "Why?" She asks in a broken voice, beating her fists on the steering wheel. "You're always so damn swollen with pride!"

Now Rachel can't do anything, she has made a decision, she has committed, she has given her word, but then why does she feel as if someone has ripped her heart out? Why has she felt her breath stuck in her throat and her stomach doing somersaults when she has read the truth in those beautiful green eyes?

She barely listens to Rihanna's words as she tries to regain control of her emotions; she quickly wipes her tears with the palm of her hand and takes a deep breath, shifting gears. She can't stay parked there forever, so she starts the engine again onto the street. When she has to stop at the traffic lights, she looks at the large intersection in front of her.

On the right, the man to whom she has agreed to become his wife.

On the left, the girl who has always meant something to her.

As seconds go by and she watches people cross the road in front of her car, she begins to think frantically about what to do.

She turns on the turn signal and waits.

The lights change and she turns the other way around.

She has made her decision.

/

Rachel is drunk on these kisses, intoxicated by the smell of her skin, the sounds it makes while she presses her lips to the other girl's. She runs her hands into her hair and throws her own head back, while hot kisses come down to brush her jaw up and down her neck, where pink soft lips close to suck her delicate skin.

It seems to her that every sensations is amped today, she feels transported into another dimension, one where what she has learned to do in recent months is different: it feels more intense, deeper, more beautiful.

Sitting against her muscular legs, she holds tight to her shoulders when she hears the skillful hands pull down the zipper of her dress, making sure that this would fall on her hips. She watches her arms get up and goes to undo her strapless bra, pulling it away, then gently from her arms, throwing it on the floor, immediately reached from the thin dress she has worn this morning.

Her breath stops when she mirrors into these eyes staring at her with love and admiration.

"Rachel ... You're so beautiful ..." Quinn says hoarsely, before her tongue comes down to lick the valley of her breasts, until it gets to her nipple, forcing Rachel to a little moan.

She throws her head back as she feels Quinn's mouth shut on the other breast, closes her eyes and tightens her fingers around the shoulders of the girl underneath her; when she feels her lips hungrily suck her nipple, she lets out another loud moan as her hands go to stroke Quinn's thighs.

"You drive me crazy ..." Quinn mutters again, but before Rachel can answer, she closes her mouth with her own again.

She loses it again in this kiss full of passion; that is before Rachel - without knowing how - finds herself lying on the bed, with a thicker and taller body above her. She closes her eyes again, enjoying this feeling, so unknown to her.

Rachel has turned her brain off completely, what she wants to do right now is just to _feel_. There is no right or wrong, there are only two of them in this room she has come to know, where there are only two souls who have found each other after a long time; they want to taste each other, they want to get lost into the sensation.

She has a desperate need to feel Quinn's skin on her, she doesn't want a rubbing of clothes; so with a little of impatience she pulls the hem of Quinn's shirt. It doesn't take long before they're brushing skin against skin.

There is no need for words, they have to let their bodies speak, their lips, their hands. Rachel is somehow afraid that if she says something, that spell is going to break. She feels a trail of kisses down her neck and collarbone, falling to reach for her chest again.

"Quinn ..." she manages to mutter finally, when the girl's mouth slides on her breasts.

She drops her head back on the pillow, while surrounding the nipple with her tongue, and from time to time, touched her soft flesh with her teeth, making her stretch and then relax after a few seconds.

When Quinn lets go of her breasts to move on her wonderful stomach, pressing her tongue in the perfect navel, Rachel lets out a little sigh that almost sounds like happiness. She is completely absorbed by the sensations and only the subtle pressure of Quinn against her left leg keeps her anchored to the real world.

The movement leads her to open her legs, and when she sees her fingers slip under the elastic of her panties, she tenses. Quinn, noticing the change, raises her head to look into her eyes and Rachel is surprised that she's silently asking for permission, having this sincerity that is constantly bright behind her beautiful green eyes, so she can't help but nod.

Quinn runs her underwear down her thighs, accompanying the movements with her body, throwing to the floor. "I've wanted to do this for so long, stripping you down, feeling you gorgeous naked body against mine ..." She confesses with a persuasive voice.

Since she had made love to Finn for the first time and the subsequent times to come, not even a single kiss has made Rachel feel what she's feeling at that moment.

"You're wonderful." Quinn murmurs, kissing her belly. "So perfect, a sweet little angel." She continues to kiss her as she comes down her inner thigh.

When Rachel's hips jerk to her face in search of a better contact, Quinn smiles and looks up at her. She sees her face flushed, her breath labored and messy hair.

Rachel opens her eyes and crosses Quinn's green ones, full of passion. She sees that Quinn is still staring at her even when she sticks out her tongue and passes it on the folds of her wet pussy, tracing the contours up and down, carefully avoiding her perceptive point.

"Even better than I ever thought." Quinn confesses. "You taste like freedom, Rach."

She slowly tortures her for what seems like an eternity, licking and kissing gently. Rachel's body writhes anxiously waiting for something more and eventually Quinn agrees.

She circles her clit with her lips, while Rachel grabs the sheets with strength and bites her lower lip in an attempt not to scream. Hearing the cries of the girl, Quinn digs her fingers into her thighs and buries her mouth into her soaking sex, trying to close her eyes and concentrate on her pleasure.

Rachel begins to pass her hands through her short hair, while Quinn's mouth keeps moving with incredible skill. Once again, Quinn looks up: the sight of the girl, with her head tilted back, her mouth half open that gasps for air, it's without any doubt the most erotic picture she has ever seen in her entire life.

Rachel gasps strong while she feels Quinn's fingers touch her sex, approaching every now and then to its center, provoking her. Quinn keeps moving her tongue, still teasing her with her fingers, as Rachel moans louder.

"Please, Quinn, please ..." She begs without any shame, with nothing but desire in her tone.

Quinn doesn't need to be told twice, she pushes a finger inside, making her arch on the mattress.

"Oh god," Rachel moans, grabbing her hair with more strength.

"Beautiful." Quinn mumbles without stopping to look at her, stopping the movements of her hand. "You're just beautiful."

"Don't stop, _please_, don't stop." Rachel is begging loudly.

Quinn begins to move again, looking for the right spot inside her, wrapping her lips again around her clit. When she finds what she's looking for, she begins to move in and out, stroking the spot each time she sinks inside. She watches her squirm, her face flushed and her mouth open while she moans louder and louder.

Quinn suddenly pushes another finger into her and lets out a small gasp when she feels the walls of her sex tighten around her fingers. Rachel closes her eyes and Quinn begins to push faster and deeper, never ceasing to pass her tongue over Rachel's pulsing clit.

When she sees her arch on the mattress, Quinn pulls up along her body, burying her head on her neck, never stopping the movement of her hand.

"C'mon Rachel. Come for me." Quinn whispers, staring at the twitching body of the girl underneath her. "Let me remember this moment forever." She murmurs in her ear, biting her lobe weakly.

Rachel falls back, clawing at the sheets beneath her and her eyes widen, while the greatest pleasure she has ever felt in her entire life shakes her body violently. Her cries sound like music in Quinn's ears as she continues to push inside her, not willing to stop.

"Quinn, oh god, Quinn ..." Rachel gasps, her eyes widening as a second orgasm begins to swiping in her stomach.

It takes only a couple of thrusts down and the world explodes behind her eyes, making her breath lock in her throat in the middle of a loud cry. Rachel closes her eyes, falling on the bed, trembling, her chest that lifts and falls quickly to the rhythm of her breathing, while Quinn lifts to look at her.

She has unconsciously been waiting for this moment forever, now the awareness is taking place in her heart. She has always been in love with Rachel, for years. All the anguish, torment, betrayal, crushing on anybody without an end: all of this because of Rachel.

_Fuck this_, she thinks, _fuck everything_.

She'd never wanted to have her any other way, and now that they've made love, she wants something to hold onto when they're going to have nothing more, so she has to tell her.

"I love you." She simply said, finally giving a sound to these words that she's hold for so long into her heart.

Rachel slowly opens her eyes, even though her eyelids feel terribly heavy, finding herself staring at these green irises that look at her with complete adoration.

"Quinn-"

She is promptly blocked by a finger to her lips, which silences her immediately. Quinn smiles softly, stroking her cheek.

"You don't have to say anything." She murmurs. "I have no illusions this will happen again." She continues, bending down to kiss her forehead. "It started and ended here, I know, but I just wanted you to know."

Rachel looks at her intently and then smiles, opening her arms, causing Quinn to take refuge there, hiding her face in her neck.

"Rach?"

"Yes, Quinn?"

"Can we stay like this for a little?"

To this question there is no need to answer. Rachel hugs her and closes her eyes, and Morpheus holds her into his arms.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hi I'm back! Sorry for being away for so long, but my summer was crazy and I worked a lot. As I said last time, this story is complete, I just have to wait for my friend Edy to translate the chapters! We've decided it's going be updated more or less twice a month. Enjoy the chapter for now!

**Note: **Since some of you have asked about the last sentence last time, Morpheus is the Greek God of dreams, so we use his name to say 'into Morpheus's arms' when someone falls or has fallen asleep already. I didn't realize it might be confusing in English, sorry about it :( . - EdyFerrone

/

**Chapter 2**

Quinn is sitting on the grass, covered by the shadow of a large tree, her legs pressed to her chest, elbows leant on her knees, under her head. She went out for lunch, near the football field, because the cafeteria was starting to feel too tight around her, but since the weather is hot, it seems like many other students had the same idea.

Her favorite brunette too, and great part of the Glee Club, are having lunch and chatting happily. When she had seen Rachel coming out with the others, she had forgotten about her lunch completely. It's now put beside her because she is too busy with staring at every single thing Rachel does to eat.

She remembers perfectly every detail of the afternoon they spent together …

_She can still feel the smell of her skin, her soft moans, her little hands twirling into Quinn' blonde short hair, her wonderful taste, her thighs wrapping around her neck, her widened eyes, the sweat covering her tanned body, her lips parted, her messy hair …_

'_Quinn, oh God, Quinn …'_

"If you keep on looking at her like this, you're going to drink her with your eyes."

Quinn startles scared as she comes back to reality, turning to see who called her out. Santana is looking at her with her head tilted on the side, a lifted eyebrow and an amused smile on her face. Being caught, Quinn passes a hand through her hair and stretches her legs forwards, trying to look as normal as she can.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." She replies, trying to sound indifferent. "I'm just having lunch sitting under a tree."

Santana laughs knowingly. "Of course, Fabray." She says, clapping a hand on her shoulder before she's sitting beside her, leaning her back under the wood of the tree behind her. "If you don't know what I'm talking about, then I'm straight." She jokes.

"Do you need something from me, San?" She asks, sounding sharper than she meant to.

Santana turns to look at her, not even slightly scared from Quinn's annoyed tone. She knows Quinn too well to get offended by this bitchy attitude.

Santana Lopez isn't stupid, in fact, she's always been quite good at reading people around her, especially if it's the ones she cares about and, even though it's tough to admit, she really cares about Quinn.

They went through many things together through the years that she can tell they're linked by an invisible but quite tight knot. That's exactly the reasons why Santana had understood something was wrong right when Quinn came back from holidays, claiming that she had _found herself_ during summer.

Unluckily Quinn had been messed up with her own personal problems, so Santana couldn't help her as she would, but she had kept an eye on her and she had found something interesting.

Quinn Fabray is deeply and crazily in love with Rachel Berry.

This was a big surprise to her, but the more she stared at her friend, the more she realized Quinn looked at the loud boring gnome brunette just the way Santana looked at Brittany.

She often stopped along the hallway to stare at her and she laughed at Quinn's heart eyes whenever Rachel walked past her or took something from her locker, or maybe just sang a song or talked to her … Indeed, whatever Rachel does, Quinn follows her almost drooling.

Things had been quite calm for a while, until Finnocence decided to announce their marriage. Santana had looked at Quinn immediately and she swore she could hear the sound of her heart breaking into pieces.

After that embarrassing moment, Santana had tried to talk to her, but Quinn seemed to have disappeared. She had left school, turned off the phone and didn't even answer when she called her home.

In the next days, too many things had happened and Santana didn't get the chance to meet her and talk to her, not until she's seen her now, sitting under that tree with the weirdest expression to ever appear on her face.

Into Quinn's green and inexpressive eyes something has changed, just like into her body. She's always admired Quinn for her elegant look, the way she walks proudly and perfectly balanced, the superior gaze that makes her a real bitch.

Right now though, she's clumsily sitting under this dirty tree, she had legs against her chest before, head on her arms, staring at Rachel; and Santana understood.

"Was it as good as you thought it would be?" She asks with a smile.

"I have no idea what-" Quinn tries to fight her, but Santana lifts her hand and makes her shut up.

"C'mon, don't be like that. We're friend, so it's okay to share some … information." She says. "How was it?" She asks again. "I've always thought Berry is a nasty bitch when it comes to sex."

Quinn parts her lips, looking at Santana with her eyes wide away, but she doesn't manage to speak.

How the hell does she even know?

"W-What?" She asks eventually, stuttering.

"I know you too well, Q." Santana reminds her. "I've known you for a while," She keeps on staring at her, "But I thought you were going to tell me sooner or later."

Quinn looks away and she bites her lower lip, trying to resist the urge to confess anything to the girl beside her; but when Santana grabs her face between her palms, forcing her to turn it, Quinn gets lost in her deep dark eyes.

This is when she can't keep it anymore and tears start to stream across her cheeks, wetting her perfect pale face and making's Santana's heart throb painfully.

"Oh Quinn …" Santana murmurs, drying the salty tears off of her cheek with her thumb.

She hadn't figured out that Quinn had come down to this. How could she not notice? Quinn falls into her arms, hiding her face into the crook of Santana's neck and Santana starts stroking her hair softly.

"I'm so, so sorry." She murmurs through her blond strands. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, that I didn't help you …"

"I love her so much, San." Quinn sobs, wrapping her hands around Santana's Cheerio uniform. "I tried to get her out of my head and I just can't." She sounds desperate. "I thought that after making love to her I would forget her. But I can't stop thinking about how beautiful she looked while she gave herself to me, when she let me love her, the way she whispered my name in pleasure …"

"Shh … it's going to be okay, shhh." Santana says, holding her tightly.

"Help me, San, please, help me forget her." She pleads, lifting her face to look at her. "I need it, please-"

"It's going to be fine." Santana tells her, wiping her tears. "You just have to hold on and keep fighting."

"I can't fight anymore, I don't have the strength for that." Quinn says desperately. "I feel empty." A sob breaks her breathing. "My heart is shattered, I just want to forget, please, San, make me forget about this."

Santana holds her close again, pressing her cheek on Quinn's head, unable to stop the tears from streaming. She knows this pain too well, this incapacity to give up on the woman she loves; she felt it on her own skin and she feels so linked to Quinn now.

They don't realize there's a pair of chocolate eyes focusing on them, a girl with cut breath and wet eyes.

/

Santana holds Quinn's hand tightly into hers, showing her how close to her she is right now, while they walk along an almost empty hallway. The afternoon lessons are almost all over and most of the students are home, while others are up for the trainings of their clubs. And that's where they're headed: the choir room.

"Are you sure about this?" Santana asks, stopping their walk.

Quinn nods and smiles weakly at her, freeing her hand of the hold. Santana notices something into her eyes and she lifts an eyebrow, waiting for an explanation.

"I was thinking …" Quinn says softly, fidgeting with her fingers over the hem of her dress when she sees that Santana is waiting for her to end the sentence. She looks away from her and to the lockers. "I've made up my mind. I'm going to sing one last song and if this isn't enough either, I'm going to forget about her forever."

Santana smiles fondly and she takes Quinn's hand, so that Quinn looks back at her again. "It sounds like a great idea to me." She says eventually.

She really can't judge her. She did the same thing for Brittany just one year ago.

She has always thought that dedicating a song to the person you love is the best way to come out with your feelings, especially for someone like Rachel who grew up with music.

"What were you thinking?" She asks.

"I was thinking about _I Crave You_," Quinn murmurs embarrassed, but when she sees Santana's confused face, she adds, "Shontelle."

"Oh yeah!" Santana answers, "The album I borrowed from you, I really love it."

Even if their friendship had gone a little lost lately, they've never lost this habit. Since they've been friends, they've always exchange music albums, so that they could make each other find out about new songs. It got even more frequent after they had joined glee club.

The last album Santana had found in her locker was a compilation of songs chosen by Quinn herself. Now that she thinks about it, the songs were actually explanatory.

"You know," She begins, walking towards the choir room, "I should have figured it out with your lyrics and songs that something was up."

Quinn forces a smile. "Would you help me singing it, San?" She asks eventually.

"I'm your best friend, right?"

When they enter the room, everybody is already there, sitting, and Mr. Schuester has already started the lesson. They walk to sit near Brittany and Santana leans to kiss her lips and take her hand. William talks about Regionals and how important it is to find fitting songs, to work hard and how the next weeks are going to be tough.

"Does anybody want to break the ice?" He asks eventually to the group.

Quinn takes a deep breath and counts to ten, trying to find the courage she's been missing on lately.

"Mr. Schue." She says then, lifting her arm, that is slightly shaking.

"Perfect, Quinn!" Will exclaims, clapping his hands together. "I'm sure you'll surprise us, just as you did last time."

When the man sits on one of the plastic chairs, making room for Quinn, she murmurs something to the musicians and then turns back to look at her small crowd.

She stairs into Rachel's eyes for a moment and then looks away, towards Santana.

"Whenever you're ready, San." She whispers and Santana stands up without making her repeat it twice.

They sit on two stools and Quinn nods for the guys to play. The first notes start playing, sounding into the silent room and Santana immediately grabs Quinn's hand to comfort her while Quinn can't help but look into Rachel's eyes, like they're magnets to each other.

"Traveling down this rocky road_,_" she starts with her voice filled with feelings, "So hard to do it all alone."

_The sun comes through the half-open window, hitting her body, wet with sweat on the bed, arching at every touch of the person that has her forehead pressed against hers._

"So I really need you. To help me move along_."_

_Long and curled hands hold tightly the messy sheets, while she moans loudly from her chest and it forces her to close her eyes._

"All my sunshine's gone away, all my blue skies turning gray_."_

_A tanned body moving slowly and sensually under a paler one, kissing every inch of light skin and moving hands like she had never done before._

"It's like the ocean's all dried up and empty (empty)_."_

_From Quinn's pink lips a moan comes out, followed by I love you, while she scratches the small back of the person she's making love to._

"So I really hope you understand all the reasons why I can't pretend_."_

'_Rachel,' she moans, 'God, Rachel, you're driving me crazy,' she says looking while the girl's fingers move in and out of her body._

"That I don't need your love, and I can't ever break the chains_." _Quinn's voice cracks and she has to close her eyes to force those pictures out of head, but it's useless.

'_No one ever made me feel like this,' Rachel admits on her lips, 'You make me feel things I've never thought they even existed.'_

"I crave you, I breathe you, I taste you. I see you in my dreams_." _Quinn and Santana's voices blend together finally._ "_I'll never replace you, escape you, crazy at it seems_."_

_Quinn opens her eyes suddenly, feeling her mouth sealed on her sex and she lifts on her elbow to look at the brown hair pending between her thighs. With a loud moan, she lets herself fall back on the bed, pressing hands on her head._

"You said you'll never go anywhere_," _She sings alone now, opening her eyes again.

_The movement of Rachel's tongue gets faster when she sees Quinn opening her mouth while a scream burns her throat, and she adds two fingers inside her, making her jerk her hips up and down._

"Still I cry, still I try, to save you_."_ The words come out of Santana's full and sexy lips, while the girl looks straight into Rachel's eyes and grits her jaw.

Rachel is looking at Quinn with tears in her eyes and she bites her lower lip nervously.

"Baby girl, I crave you_."_

"_Rachel …" Quinn moans loudly, grabbing the headboard of the bed to keep herself. She has never felt anything like this before, it's like she can feel her tongue and fingers straight to her brain, "Please, faster, harder," she begs, panting, and Rachel can't help but obey the sweet order._

"Don't you know I love you_,"_ Their voices mix together again and tears start streaming all over Quinn's face, like a river in flood.

_When Quinn lets go on the dirty sheets, she closes her eyes, trying to remember how to breathe._

"Don't you know I love you," This time it's Santana's voice winning over hers, while Quinn whispers the last words with her throat suddenly too tight to continue.

'_Say that again,' Rachel murmurs, stroking her face and pressing soft kisses there, while Quinn's chest inflates and deflates. 'Say it again,' she adds, another sweet order._

'_I love you,' Quinn tells her, 'I love you, I love you,' She whispers eventually, pressing her lips onto hers._

"I can't do this," Quinn says, shaking her head. "I feel sick." She murmurs and without adding anything, she runs out of the room like some monster is following her.

"Quinn!" Santana shrieks, standing up fast and barely catching her blond hair as she runs out.

The rest of the club looks at Santana in confusion, searching for explanations and she closes her eyes, tightening her fists harshly beside her sides. She wants to kick someone right now and she has the chance to do so when Rachel stands up, ready to go after Quinn.

"Don't even think about it, Berry." Santana growls. "You've already done enough." She snaps bitterly and then she turns, walking out of the room and looking for her friend.

Finn is the one who breaks the embarrassing silence, since the New Directions had noticed the glances between Rachel and Quinn during all the song.

"What was that supposed to mean, Rach?" He asks, looking at her.

Rachel just shakes her head, wiping her tears with the palm of her hand, deciding not to answer. It hurts too much.

/

It's been four days since the disastrous experiment in the choir room, days during which Quinn has barely been along the hallways; during rehearsal, she would sit in a corner, all alone, not even letting Santana get closer to her. These days had been pure suffering for her; she had just cried and sunk her face in the pillow, trying to feel Rachel's smell there desperately, but it's slowly disappearing as time goes by.

She had avoid Rachel like she had some infective illness, trying to convince herself about not interfering with her life anymore; Rachel is big enough to make her decisions alone and that's what she did that night, when Finn announced they were going to get married after Regionals. Quinn understood that it was better to just let it go and starting to think about her upcoming future.

That's what she is trying to do right now, behind the curtains of the auditorium, ready for the performance that she might add to her curriculum for Yale. She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm the nerves she feels every time she has to sing in front of a crowd.

She pulls the curtains apart for a moment and sneaks her head out to look at the crowd that fills the McKinley auditorium, since it's the first time in years that competitions take place here. Her eyes focus on the woman dressed in a tracksuit, the one she's had a conversation with early that made her feel better, even if it didn't get her to her aim.

Coach Sylvester is about to have a baby. It seems so unreal for her to say it, but it's true and she had asked Quinn for some advices. The thought alone makes her smile and she has to shake her head to put it off of her face.

She passes a hand through her hair and thinks that Sue has changed a lot lately, even if she didn't accept her back on the team. She talked to her, maybe it's the first time that she did with a little humanity, so she isn't going to give up. Quinn Fabray is going to get her uniform back.

"Stage stress?"

Quinn turns towards where she hears the familiar voice and she is shocked at the beauty in front of her eyes, even though the girl is dressed exactly like her. Rachel wears a black dress that covers her legs to the knees, a golden band over her torso and one through her hair, so that it lets her wavy hair fall gently down her curled shoulder that taste like vanilla and clean.

"It's all going to be okay," Rachel assures with a sweet smile on her face, "It's not like it's the first time we perform."

"I know," Quinn answers flatly, walking past her and towards the others.

She has no intention of staying here with her. She wants Rachel as far as possible from her, she needs to forget her, erase her; but when Rachel grabs her wrist to stop her, she keeps a breath and tries to control herself.

"Why do you keep on running?" Rachel asks.

"And why do you just stand still?" Quinn replies instead.

"You don't answer a question with another question." Rachel notices.

"Who says that?"

"Good manners."

"Then I'm clearly unkind. Now, if you excuse me," She tries to pull his arm away from the hold, but it seems like Rachel is stronger than she seems.

"What do you mean with stand still?"

Quinn just stares at her for a long, endless moment, getting lost into her deep eyes, full of life, reminding herself the reason why these eyes made her fall in love with her so deeply. When she notices that Rachel is still waiting for an answer, she clears her throat, trying to put her thoughts back together.

"You're stuck, you wait for your life to make the choices _you_ are supposed to make."

"That's not true!" Rachel complains, letting her wrist go. "I made a lot of choices in my life."

"I surely remember the last one, the _worst_ one," Quinn murmurs between gritted teeth.

"Please, don't offend me," Rachel says, "Just because you don't approve what I chose, it doesn't mean that you're allowed to talk to me like this."

"You gave me the permission. Why do you keep on searching for me, Rachel?" She asks, terribly annoyed. "What else do you want from me? Don't you think you've already taken enough?"

Rachel feels hurt at the words. "I thought I gave you what you wanted," she replies angrily. "Wasn't that what you wanted, Quinn? My body? Sex?"

Quinn tightens her jaw at the words and her eyes flame up with anger. How does she dare saying this when she clearly knew why Quinn wanted to make love to her?

_Love, not sex_.

"I remember things differently," She says, nervous, "I remember you were the one coming to my door after I kicked you out, _begging_ me to make you mine."

At the words filled with resentment, Rachel lifts her hand, ready to hit her, but Quinn is faster and she blocks her hand before it touches the skin of her cheek. Fury now running through her veins, she pulls Rachel closer, almost making her lose her balance. She stares into her eyes filled with tears, but at the same time heated with fire.

"You know it wasn't only sex." She murmurs harshly and wearing such a serious face that it makes Rachel shiver. "I know you felt it too, so please, don't step over my feelings even more."

She lets her wrist go and steps back, throwing her one last disappointed look and turning, ready to do what she was already doing before; go and meet the others.

"Don't go." Rachel whispers, softly and unsure. "Please, Quinn."

Quinn takes a shaking breath and she stops at the sound of that pleading voice; she can't resist, she would do anything not to hear her voice or see her eyes filled with sadness. Then, carefully, she decides not to turn around, so she won't be tempted.

"Forgive me," Rachel says eventually, since Quinn doesn't want to look at her. "I didn't mean those things and I didn't want to lose it like this." She pleads. "You're right, it wasn't just sex and we both know it."

Quinn turns around and looks at her. "Did you feel it too?"

Rachel nods slightly and when she opens her mouth to answer, the rest of the group appears behind them, interrupting the conversation and they have no chance to talk about it even later.

/

Rachel hugs her dad with tears in her eyes before she enters the choir room, which is awkwardly empty though. They've won Regionals well deservedly and she also had her solo, so it has been a fruitful day and it's going to be a lot better, even if she feels a hold tightening into her stomach with every step she takes.

She needs to talk to Quinn; she can't leave things like that, but when the judges announced their victories, Quinn had disappeared. She had asked Santana, but she looked much surlier towards her lately and Rachel doesn't even know why, even if she might have an idea.

The fight she had with Quinn had wrecked her, especially because she said those mean things to her even if she was aware Quinn didn't deserve it. She knows that Quinn didn't only want her body; if it were the case, when Quinn kissed her in the living room, she would have just taken what Rachel was offering; instead she kicked her out because she respected her way too much to do such a thing to her.

Between the arms of that girl who treated her bad for long, Rachel felt safe, loved, protected and respected. She's always wondered what is so special about Quinn, the reasons why she seems to be able to charm her all the time. It's always happened, since Quinn joined the glee club, and it's something Rachel was never able to understand.

"Hey."

Rachel turns and she's pleasantly surprised to notice Quinn Fabray wrapped in her Cheerios uniform.

"How do I look?" She asks with a smile on her face, putting her hands on her hips. "Coach Sylvester gave it to me and I just couldn't resist."

Rachel looks down, unable to keep looking into her eyes; this is the moment of truth, the moment when, whatever is her choice, it might chance all her life.

"I'm glad that you're happy. Everyone deserves to be happy." She says eventually.

Quinn presses her lips together, trying to make it look like a smile. "When you were singing that song," She takes a deep breath, "You were singing it to Finn and only Finn, right?"

Rachel shakes at the words, one movement of her head might change her life, whether she nods or shakes; this when Rachel's future changes forever.

"Yes." She murmurs softly.

Quinn feels her chest tightening at the words, and she swallows, barely capable to continue. "I want to support you then, Rachel." She says eventually. "But I c-can't come to the wedding, I'm so sorry." She stutters a little. "I couldn't stand it. I hope you understand."

Rachel nods lightly. "I do. I would never ask you to do something you don't want to."

There's a moment of embarrassing silence when Quinn just looks at her like she wants to freeze Rachel's picture into her heart. This is the last time she's going to see her like a free woman, a woman she could win over.

_You shall not covet your neighbor's wife._

It's one of the Ten Commandments and even if they had made love already, today Rachel is going to become Mrs. Hudson, and she is going to have to forget about her forever.

"Quinn, about earlier-" Rachel tries to say, stepping towards her.

Quinn shakes her head and lifts a hand to stop her. "It's okay, Rach, we both said things we didn't mean."

"I'm sorry, I re-really didn't mean it. I know you didn't want that only and-"

She stops when Quinn's hands grab her faces and she shakes into her arms while Quinn starts brushing her lips with her thumb; fondly, sweetly, a touch as soft as silk.

"Promise me that you're happy, Rachel." She whispers. "I have no right to ask, but I need to know that you are going to be happy."

"I-I'll try-" She stutters.

"That's not enough," Quinn says, "I'm about to stand aside, but I have to be sure that I do to leave my place to someone that makes you happy …"

"Yes." She answers softly.

Quinn smiles while her eyes get wet with tears. She's just lost her, forever, there's no going back.

"Good luck, my beautiful Rachel." She whispers, pressing one last kiss on her forehead. "I will love you forever, don't ever forget it."

There's nothing to add. Rachel lifts on her toes and brushes barely Quinn's lips with her own before they're lost in a sweet kiss. It tastes like love, desperation, sadness, loss.

It's going to be their last touch, for now or maybe forever, they can't know.

The only awareness they have right now is that none of them is ever going to be the same, ever again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

There's a lot of people though the sky is gray and the weather is cold. It rains quite hard, the atmosphere is unreal and the city seems angry in the eyes of the girl staring at the priest with her expression completely zoned-out.

Well, she isn't surprised.

Everyone's angry at her for different reasons; her mom, her sister, her family and of her old friends.

When she graduated high school, she escaped Lima and never looked back, leaving a painful past behind. Sometimes she went back, during college, but when schedules got tougher, her visits got rarer and rarer until they were reduced to none.

But the town constantly reminded her of painful memories. That is the place where she had left her heart, where her heart had been touched, cuddled and then trod. So many things happened in that town that she felt the need to let go to a new future, a new life, the chance to a new happy ending, or at least she thought she had the right to do so.

She looks at the casket lowering to the ground, while the weight she had in her chest until that moment becomes even heavier, making the situation seem completely unreal to her. She can't believe it yet. It all happened so fast.

A few days ago she was in New York, in her apartment, she came back from work and she was dressing up to go out on a dinner. And that's when she got the call.

"_Mom needs you, please, come back, I can't do this alone._"

The next day she had took the first available flight to Lima, she had warned her best friend that she took a permit for a few days and she was going to go to her the next day.

And there she is; cold, wet and made empty from every possible emotion.

"We shall say our last goodbye to Russel Fabray, husband, father and a devoted man."

Her mom's loud sob makes a shiver run through her back and she sees her sister holding her in her arms. When the casket is laid on the bottom, it gets immediately covered by soil and she doesn't look away not even for a moment.

The Fabray Family greets several people wearing black and blue and Quinn realizes that she barely knows half of them. She wants everything to be over as soon as possible so that she can be alone, so that she can talk to her dad. Eventually, she manages to convince Frennie and Judy to go home, while the rest of the people leave the cemetery gradually.

Silence falls all of a sudden and she sighs in relief, passing slowly a hand over the cold marble and closing her eyes.

"Hi daddy," she whispers, lowering with her knees on the wet ground. "It's been so long since we've talked, isn't it?" She asks with a tired smile. "I'm so sorry I haven't done this before, but you know what they say? You understand how much people matter right when you lose them." She adds with her voice broken, moving her fingertips along the letters that mark his name. "I'm sorry that I've disappointed you; I don't regret my choices because they made me the person I am today." Her fingers trace the surname. "But no matter what happens, I'm still your little girl and I'll always be." She says while a few tears start streaming down her face, coming down to wet her lips.

She stays like this for so long she can't even tell how much has gone by, staring at the picture of her dad and looking at big golden letters that trace their surname, wondering why she's felt so uncomfortable with it for so long. She curses herself in her head for being so far for so long, having missed the last months of his life, regretting she didn't help him, didn't heal him, didn't take care of him. She'd just been a selfish bitch and now she feels like crap about it.

She doesn't even bother about the soft rain coming down. She puts her hand on her face and lets all her masks fall down, the ones she had worn for years. Her body shakes violently and sobs cut the silence of the peaceful place.

She startles with fear when she feels arms wrapping around her in a sweet comfortable hug. At first, her body stiffens, since she's not used to the contact. It's been years since she's last allowed someone to hold her like this. When she sees dark wavy hair on her shoulder, she relaxes for a moment, recognizing the smell she had sensed for so many nights.

Quinn lets go and just cries then, a painful plea she'd been hiding for long at the bottom of her heart and her soul, too smugly strong and proud; she hadn't cried like this since the day the love of her life got married, and not even when the doctors predicted tumor to her dad.

_Crying …_

And letting the pain, the sadness and the happiness even come out violently in all of their alarming strength is a privilege she hasn't allowed to herself in a long time, by destroying herself so that she had just stop feeling.

Her life all seems like a big script she needs to play and even if she doesn't feel comfortable in her character's clothes – she isn't even half the girl she used to be anymore - her personality has no shames nor praises, so it's easy to suit in.

But one hug was enough to make all her bricks made of sand and dust fall to pieces.

"Quinn …" She says sweetly, holding her tightly in her arms.

In a moment, this simple touch gets to her soul, like only She had been allowed to do ever. Quinn lets her cuddle, even if maybe this is the last time, and it's surely more than she would have even imagined. With her, she can_ feel_ again and she shouldn't allow herself to do so, because when the hug will be over, wearing her mask again is going to be a lot tougher.

They stay like this for an hour almost, enjoying the silence of their breaths, unable to find the strength to look at each other; and Quinn doesn't speak out loud to her dad anymore, but Rachel knows she isn't annoying her. In these long minutes, tight in each other's arms, they came back together, no matter what happened and the people that walked into their lives, Quinn and Rachel are going back to the only afternoon they spent together.

Without talking or looking at each other.

Their souls are so close that they stroke at each other with love. They allow it to happen, stopping time and ignoring everything that was in the past and what's going to come in the future. In silent harmony, they stand up, stepping close to the gate of the cemetery, every step taken hesitantly while their aching souls make them stumble here and there for the upcoming painful separation.

The hand of destiny that they had created themselves seems to be mocking them.

When they get to the threshold though, they can't manage to walk on, not even when the rain starts falling down, first in small drops then more intensely, wetting their clothes, making their make-up melt on their faces; but the rain won't wash away the blood dripping into Quinn's veins.

"Quinn. You need to be strong now." Rachel says, trying to sound convinced, though the voice barely comes out of her mouth.

Quinn chokes a sad smile. "Thank you," She murmurs eventually. "Thank you for being here."

"I wouldn't have let you alone." Rachel confesses with a tiny grin.

"Thank you again." Quinn says and she leans to move closer and hug her.

They hold each other, Rachel's face hidden into the crook of Quinn's neck, like they're two pieces of the same puzzle that have searched for each other for years and never managed to find one another.

The touch makes the water stop on the trees, and the streams of rain along the gate stop sliding to the sidewalk, the wind seems to be waiting, blocking the hems of their coats in the air. The cars speed silently, lacking their engine, like they were magically interrupted.

"I'm always here for you." Rachel murmurs then, pulling back from the hug she had craved for so long.

Quinn stares at her for a moment and then she leans a hand, wrapping a strand of dark her around her fingers and then fixing it behind Rachel's ear, stopping to stroke her cheek with her thumb just for a moment.

"Thank you, my angel." She says with a weak smile and then pulls her closer to press a kiss on her forehead.

The rain starts falling again and it seems like it is more violent; leaves, heavy with water, make drop fall on the ground, the noise from the traffic filling their ears again as they take their separate, painful and dark roads, in different directions, just like seven years ago.

/

During the next days, Quinn is quite busy in Lima and that's actually positive. She takes care of her house, and especially, her mom, then the documents about her dad's passing and everything she needs to take care of before she goes back to New York.

She says her mom to consider going to New York with her, to sell their place and buy a new one in the Big Apple, so that she can be close to her whenever she needs her; but she knows how much Judy is tied to Lima, where she lived with her husband and little girls.

Because of all the buzzing of these days, staying in Lima becomes a lot harder than usual for Quinn. All the stuff she has to do keeps her busy for hours, but the more she spends walking around the town, the higher the risk of coming across Rachel and her husband is.

Everytime she came back for the weekend and the holidays, she had always spent the more time she could with her mom, staying at home, the only place where she felt safe from the past. When she had to meet her former schoolmates, she always did into bars and pubs that are out of town, just to be sure. It didn't always work; in fact, her lonely holidays didn't help her thinking about something different. When she was at home alone, it was even worse, since her room and everything inside it, even after years, reminded her of them and that famous day.

Her room, her bed, her shower stall and the kitchen even. She felt like a tiger in a cage.

That's the reason why she can't wait to escape to New York, the only safe place from her regret, the one that hurts her whenever she's in Lima.

And yet, she's planned things to do during the hours she knew She won't be around – Kurt told her everything about Rachel's schedules. The eventuality of meeting her means to make a dangerous alarm ring loudly in the middle of the night. It shakes her from the warm heat of the memory and the sense of guilt, scaring her when it shows her how miserable her life is now and throwing in her face all that she could have had.

_With Rachel_.

Seeing her only means remembering she's lost her forever. If maybe she were faster, braver, she could have had her, held her, and loved her. But she doesn't have anything instead, just a blurred memory of an afternoon, her kisses, her touches, that is slowly disappearing along the road of memoirs.

/

Rachel looks out of the big window of her office, moving the light blue curtain, like she's been called from a voice carried by the wind. She passes her fingertips on her eyes, drinking her coffee quickly. She grabs the folders she had left on the counter, fixes the skirt of the suit she is wearing and then walks into her office again, closing the door loudly behind her back.

"If the new fabrics won't be delivered in time, Kurt is going to freak out."

She sits quickly in front of the computer and checks a few times the order they made last month, but there's nothing wrong with it, she realizes as she checks.

"This is just crazy," She sighs bored as she slowly gives up to her fate.

She has to call Kurt, who's on a business trip, and tell him that the materials are late and he'll probably have to take them out personally.

There's no other option. How are they going to pack the clothes for that wedding if they don't go and take the materials?

She catches herself staring at her own face reflected into the screen of her computer. She sees a woman who's completely sunk into her job, which she likes and she doesn't want to get freed of, for any reason; especially since it keeps her from taking care of other stuff.

This week has been so full of events that Rachel had been tempted to go back to her old habits. The bottle is there where she left it, in the bathroom, in the locker she uses for med; it wouldn't take much to just grab it and swallow some pills down to fill better, but she fought it.

Things had gone better during the last few years, even though the pain is still hidden inside the depth of her soul; at least she managed to come up from the precipice she had fallen from. Her marriage with Finn is still working; the love she felt for Finn in high school was now just a dim shadow, but she stills care about him. He's a good guy and he had been close to her during her emotional breakdown, trying to help her in every possible way.

Rachel is well aware that this isn't the life she's dreamt of. In Lima, there aren't the lights of a stage, there aren't any crowds screaming her name, nor people to stop her along the street so that she can sign an autograph. There aren't any posters in town, but at least she has her closest friends still.

Other than Finn and her, from the Glee club, Mercedes and Sam have stuck around. They had got married after a few years of living together, and they work amazingly.

Artie is now a super smart software programmer, so he comes back in town rarely, but he bought a house in Lima and he spends his summer holidays there with his wife.

Tina and Mike come back to Lima quite often, but they work for a company that travels a lot to Europe, so they spend months abroad.

Brittany and Santana have been living happily in New York for years and from what she hears, Santana owns a lawyer's office, which is quite famous and important, and she has a partner in business. Rachel doesn't know the name, but she doesn't care that much.

Her relationship with Santana became even worse after she confessed knowing what happened between her best friend and her. With Brittany it's better. It's not like they're that close, but sometimes they have long pleasant chats about the old times.

Rachel asked her many times about _her_ and Brittany told her some things when Santana wasn't around, things that brought Rachel closer and closer to the edge of depression.

And then there's Quinn … her eternal damnation, the oblivious cause of her emotional and physical wounds.

After her marriage and graduation, Quinn had literally run to New York and Rachel didn't get any news about her. When she comes back for the holidays or some weekends, she never meets her, though Mercedes talks about her a lot, especially after the four of them go out together.

While she emotionally whipped herself with guilty, swallowing down antidepressants and sinking into the trap of her marriage, Quinn suffered in silence, fucking every girl who looked slightly attractive to her and forgetting about them completely a few days later. Quinn had gone to a lot after she moved in the Big Apple; but Rachel had been the executioner to her victim, the only difference between them being that Quinn never hurt anybody, not even the girls she slept with for one night only.

She grew up from high school, she had learnt not to play with people's feelings, she made everything clear the moment she met them, claiming she only wanted good sex, no complications.

_Good sex,_ at least that's what she hopes, but the truth is that Quinn was a lovely, insatiable lover in bed … Rachel prefers to believe so anyway, she just gave _good sex_ to other girls and not _that kind of sex_ that she doesn't even manage to describe properly.

Brittany told her that she had met this girl, Katherine, who wasn't as good as other girls Quinn had, like Madison, a sexy high school teacher who was a little older than her, or the shiny Cassie, a wonderfully classy girl. Katherine came out of a nasty break-up and Quinn never stopped feeling hurt for her, so things got together spontaneously.

This girl managed to trap Quinn into her cage with her purrs and her innocent looks, but Quinn luckily knew herself. She always knows at every moment what she feels and what she pretends to be feeling, without even confusing the two things. She started dating that girl because she reminded her of Rachel somehow.

_The Rachel that was and the one she still loves even now._

The buzzing of the phone makes her startle from her thoughts and she passes a hand over her face to recover, before she's picking up.

"Hummel Design, this is Rachel Berry, how can I help you?"

"_Rach, it's me_." A happy voice says through the phone.

It's Kurt, the only real friend she still has, the loving step-brother of her husband that leant a hand towards her and saved, literally, from the darkness she'd sunk into.

She still remembers the day when - even though he wasn't that big - Kurt destroyed the door of her bathroom and forced her to puke out all the pills she had swallowed down. He took her to the hospital and he held her hand until Finn got there with her dads. He was crying like a baby and swearing that he wouldn't have let Rachel do shit like that ever again.

When she went back home, feeling even more hurt than before, Kurt called her a selfish bitch that was ready to give up on the most important thing in her life because she was too much of a coward to face her pain. Rachel couldn't take it anymore then. She started crying and confessed her friend all the pain she felt in her heart and then he just supported, comforted and helped her.

He offered her a job as partner of his business, since he traveled a lot and he needed someone who took care of his office in Lima; a person he trusted. And that's how Kurt saved her life.

"What a surprise!" She exclaims, still tapping her fingers on the keyboard. "You've just anticipated me, I was right about to call you."

"_Did something happen?"_ He asks, worried. "_You only call me when you want to or something bad is happening._"

"That's not true!" Rachel giggles, letting herself sink in the comfortable chair of the office. "But actually, I wanted to tell you that the materials you ordered haven't arrived yet."

"_I saw that coming_." Kurt answers a little nervously. "_I'll take care of it as soon as I'll get there. Seb and I are coming back._" He says.

"Already? How come so soon?"

There's a long moment of silence and Rachel wonders if she has been cut off. She leans to the phone and sees that everything is actually okay on the small screen.

"_I heard about Russel Fabray,_" He says then, and Rachel's heart beats faster at the surname. "_I heard from Mercedes that Quinn's still in town and I wanted to offer my sympathies._"

The revelation cuts Rachel's breathing. "Is-is she here?" She stutters lowly.

Their encounter at the cemetery had been so intense, so important, so meaningful, that Rachel wishes she had said something smarter than what came out of her mouth.

"_Yeah,_" Kurt answers calmly, "_Did you see her?_"

"Yes, I did. At the funeral. You should have seen her, Kurt. She was wrecked …" She murmurs painfully.

"_I see that. They didn't have the best of relationships, but hey, it was still her father_."

"She made me so anxious, she looked like me when I-"

"_Okay, I got it!_" Kurt cuts her, since he's not going to talk about the accident. "_I've got to go, Rach, they called our flight._" He explains. "_We're having dinner out tonight._"

"But Finn-" He doesn't give her the chance to finish the sentence.

"_I've already called him and he's fine with it. You won't stop me from seeing my niece!"_ He says, laughing. "_Give her a kiss from me, would you? __And tell her uncle Kurt and uncle Bas bought her a lot of awesome presents!_"

"Oh my god, you really need to stop spoiling her, you know that right?" She scolds him. "You're not the one who gets to live with her for the rest of the time."

"_Yeah, whatever. __I'm going now, before Sebs leaves me here!_"

"See you later, honey!"

"_See you later, Rach."_

When Kurt disconnects, Rachel lets go against the armchair, closing her eyes. She needs to regain control over herself. It's in days like this that emotions take over her body, that Rachel needs to forget and to do it in the easiest way possible. With a loud sigh that fills the walls of her office, Rachel stands up and looks at the clock on the wall. The day is still long, she has to check on delivers, reply to emails, call the costumers and get Quinn Fabray out of her head.

/

Quinn holds the girl beside her in her arms, trying to enjoy the night. Katherine came from New York only for her, to support her; her love, her heat …

"_Fucking Santana_." It's what Quinn thinks instead, forcing a tiny smile over her lips.

Santana played a bad trick on her. She knows that when Quinn goes to Lima she has to keep control over her actions and emotions. When she gets in town, the only thing she can think of is _her_, the years they spent together in school, the passion they shared during that afternoon, her lips, her moans … and she has to hold from going to search for her and repeat the experience.

"Huh?" She asks confused when she realizes Katherine was talking to her. "I'm sorry." She clears her throat. "I was lost for a moment, could you repeat?" She asks, with a weak smile.

"She was asking if you wanted to drink something." Santana answers. "I think you need a break."

"Oh." Quinn says. "Yeah, I guess that's a good idea. I totally need a moment."

"Okay, then I'll go and pay, so we can get out of this fucking place." Santana replies, standing up.

"I'm coming with you." Quinn answers immediately.

She gets freed of the hug and she smiles at her date, kissing her head softly before she's following Santana towards the counter. Katherine follows her with her gaze before she goes back to the sweet in her plate.

"Something's wrong?" Brittany asks, looking worried as she notices the sad expression over the girl's face.

"I'm losing her, Britt." She confesses softly. "I feel like she's slipping away."

"Why?" Brittany asks while an awkward sensation makes her stomach clench.

Brittany knows too well what she's talking about. She felt like that from the moment Quinn told them she arrived in Lima. Russel was a popular man in their community and Santana had freaked out all the time about how Rachel was going to be at the funeral and bring Quinn to the edge of a breakdown.

"Quinn was never too affectionate with me, especially with having to show her feelings." Katherine explains. "And now I feel like something inside her broke and it's not about the funeral."

Brittany smiles sadly, feeling guilty at what the girl is feeling, like it could be somehow her fault. She had always begged Quinn to tell her the truth, to be just honest and not to play with her heart, but Quinn always claimed she knew what she was doing.

"I'm sure she's just hurt from all this." She says to reassure her, taking her hand on the table. "Quinn is a very introvert person, it's ha-hard for her to express what she feels."

Katherine nods just slightly, playing with the fork in her plate and making the hold on Brittany's heart tighten even more. She sighs at the complicated situation. Her worried face turns into fear when she sees the last person she was expecting to see now walking in the place.

"C'mon uncle Bas! Stop, you'll make me fall!" A little girl shrieked while she was sitting on the shoulders of a man Brittany didn't recognize.

She looks terribly like Rachel. She's got long brown hair, a tiny body, and she appears to be taller than kids of her age. Also, she's got wonderful green eyes.

"Oh no." Brittany murmurs, unable to keep it, and Katherine turns to follow her gaze.

Behind the man, Rachel and Kurt appear immediately, chatting happily and followed by Finn, who looks like he's grown up a lot. Brittany brings her hands to her mouth and without even thinking twice, she stands up to reach for the other two girls before something happens.

"Britt, what's going on?" Katherine asks, worried at her suddenly weird attitude.

Brittany doesn't manage to answer because Santana and Quinn come in from the other room, talking about something that doesn't seem that good. Brittany is panicking completely; she has no idea what to do. She only knows that this is all going to explode in the worst way possible.

Quinn turns for a moment to look away from her friend.

Rachel turns to check on how many people there are in the place.

Green and chocolate.

Blonde and brown.

"Rachel …"

"Quinn …"

/

**A/N:** As promised, here is the next chapter translated.

A big thank to my friend Edy who works so hard on translating, allowing me to share this story - which I'm really proud of – with the International fandom, and not only the Italian one. This chapter very tough for me to write, especially when Quinn talks to her dad, but I hope you still appreciate it despite the sadness!

See you at the next chapter! :)


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